After traveling to Des Moines for Thanksgiving, I realized that people are not the savvy travelers they could be. So, with my goal of bettering the world, I have compiled the following travel tips, neatly subdivided by categories.
Travel for . . .
- Old People: don't. Stay home. You're excruciatingly slow and you smell weird. Your time is limited, so why spend it pissing me off?
- Fatties: don't. You're excruciatingly slow (cf. supra "Old People") and you take up too much room on the airplane. Go to the gym. Stick to a reasonable diet, and pass me the gravy.
- Families: don't. Is it really worth it to pack the 30 metric tons of crap you need to bring for the baby and other children, just so your parents and cousins can see your ugly little brats? No, no it is not. If you must travel, please do it in groups. Split up the family, and travel separately. Be considerate to the people around you. If for someone reason, you insist on traveling together, pay attention to the following: Parents, if you are traveling with children, and you must take up multiple rows of the airplane, you must sit with your awful, annoying, brats. You do not get to sit by yourselves and leave the little bastards to fend for themselves. You do not get a vacation. You are parents. There is no time off. If you think there is, just look at Brit.
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